My prayers

I pray that you left us quickly
that you suffered no pain, no shock, no regrets or grief
I pray that you were at ease immediately
and that all you felt was the calm of the peaceful place that awaited you

I can not bear to think otherwise
That you may have, for a split second
suffered , any of these

I try not to think
of the others that may be to blame
what they do, on an everyday basis?
I hope their actions haunt them, and make them sick to their stomach
I fear, that they are just moving on with their lives
like nothing happened
like yesterday, a coconut fell from a tree, and today
they go back to their dayjob

Do they know what it is like to suffer?
On a daily basis?
To wonder, but try not to wonder
to try to find peace, only to find grief .
To try not to look too long at your mother
because she is weathered, and beaten by her sadness
to try not to look at your father
because he is miserably tormented by his loss
to try not to look at your sister or brother
because your minds might wander to the same subject
and you may both end up sitting there, feeling like shit
trying not to cry

to try not to say things like “ that looks nice”
because it would have looked nicer on her
or “ that was so much fun”
because you would have enjoyed it more with her
She who is no longer with us,
and a life that is no longer the same....

I hope you left us instantly
I hope you suffered no pain
I couldnt bear it at all
if it happened any, other,way

to my sister....

Once again, you are heavy on my mind,
in my heart...
Someone I had not see in a long time ,
asked me about you last night
offered their condolences...
and I was forced once again to fight my overwhelming grief
which has the strength to overcome me like a downpour of thunderous rain...
not that I dont think about you, and suffer on a daily basis
Its just that Ive learnt...to not grieve so óutwardly'if there is such a word...

Its been 10 months since you left...
10 months, yet it still feels like only 10 days since
it all happened
That we gathered at the hospital
that we dug deep to stay strong and put on brave faces
A ceremony to farewell you,
a pretty gown sown
decorations that outdid several a wedding celebration
tributes from so many people
in fashion and in style like you would have wanted

but a party without your cheer was no match for the real thing...
it was our feeble attempt, to give you what was yours...
your big bash

now 10 months on
what can I say
mum has thrown herself into gardening
she tends to weeds around your resting place
on a daily basis like a woman on a mission
she hand picks African snails ruining the purple flowers she planted
so delicately
soaks em all in salt and looks satisfyingly at the melting bucket of little demons
our home has so many pictures, as if we could ever forget your smiling face
for a small moment it makes us feel like you are still here
a big part of the family
locked in time, behind glass and a frame

dad got a tattoo
of course he would do something like that
old man still thinks he is a young bikey:)
its how we all keep you near

adolf at times is a shadow of himself
he mopes around, and you can see his life
is not the enthusiastic life he lived for last year
his sadness makes us all sad
so we try hard to drag him to happiness

I wallow on a thought
the thought of irony
to be given lifesaving skills
and yet the challenge that would mean the most to me
was one I could not help...I could not fix
I could not save...

as for the three of us you left behind
a small part of you
remains in us Im sure
your outgoing-ness in tash
your sensibility in me
your goofiness in Anton..

but we would so much rather have you here
10 months ago you left
one still does not know how to make sense of it
deal with, it accept it
mum will plant flowers for you
we will still hang pictures
and celebrate pink and purple
to keep you alive
and near

How does one grieve?

How does one grieve?

You grieve in the morning, as the suns rays only just pierce the morning clouds
You grieve at night, when all is done and you sit and stare into the darkness and stillness of the night

You grieve when you find yourself alone, in your house, in the car, on the lawn, by the waterfront
You grieve silently in bed, and you try to sob carefully so that the bed does not rock your partner awake

You grieve suddenly, like a skipped heartbeat when you see an animated car crash on TV
When someone mentions a memory or her name

You grieve when you glimpse your loved ones grief…because you know you can not help them
You grieve when its raining, because rain does that, like a cloud over your head

You grieve when its sunny, because the sunshine reminds you so much of those happier days..never to be enjoyed again

You grieve when you think about hospitals, and their sterility and their machinery, and their inability to make miracles happen

You grieve at church, because you know theres a lesson somewhere that’s meant to be learnt but you resist it so much because it hurts

You grieve into the wind, because somehow you feel that wind takes things from you and you think it might take some of your pain

You grieve when your life stops, your chores a done, people are spoken to, things are prepared for the next moment, and suddenly, a gap in your time has left you with nothing to do…but realise that when all else is done, your grief is still there

Still hung heavy in your heartLike a parasite, that you don’t want there but you have learnt to co-exist
You grieve, you grieve, you grieve

I remember

I remember
preaching to others , lifes fragility
bombarding them with instructions,
to do more,to prevent them from illfitting fates
to lookafter their children
to care for their elderly
as if death was something we toy with
and can somehow just manage to avoid
by being a bit more careFUL

and yet
I just cant seem to comprehend
how, death has landed on my doorstep
and robbed me left right and centre
of those close and not so close to me
I have lived 27years, and only had 2 funerals to attend,
both my grandparents
and then suddenly, in one year
as if to remind me
that no one is in total control
it jumped all up in my face
and snatched my happiness
and spat gloom out in place

and it makes me sad
and it makes me miss
those carefee lazy days
when such a sentence never crossed our minds
when all we thought about
where the everyday chores that had to be done
and all we missed
were naps in the afternoon
and not persons
and relationships
not your sister
or your people
or the happiness of your country
how I long and pray for those days
how I hope such times are possible

Now I dont preach anymore
I can not preach what I dont believe
I dont believe anymore that we have any control
so instead, I pray
that I am not destined an illfitted fate
that no one around me
is destined
that either
cause I dont think
my heart
could handle
anymore pounding
I really dont

Im on a Break

And yet I feel like Im having to explain a divorce to people when they ask.
Perhaps that is because that is how I feel about it really, but just dont know it yet. I have divorced my job.Well not my job cause I have many jobs, but my profession.
For now.

And this is why its hard

"because it is a noble job""because it is a gift" "becuase you are doing so much good" "because your people need you" "because there arent enough of you" "because you can help so many" "because who will help them if youre not there?"

The reasons are plentiful arent they...and genuine..and guilt inducing...
already just having to write that makes me feel like my limbs are being pulled apart in all directions..like everyone just wants a piece of me..

but what about me...
what about finding a job that makes me happy??
Am I dreaming maybe??maybe everyone hates their jobs and Im just living in lala land thinking Im the only one stuck with a job that gives me grief...But what about my family, my daughter?my husband? my parents?my siblings?? who i feel all miss out because im too busy too tired to caught up and cranky with my job??
what about all the crap i put up with, with people who dont want to listen to me because-a fofo is smarter-im too young- im a woman, find me a male-
what about everyone who komumums everyday because im not there quick enough for them coz i have a life and work starts at this particular hour everyday and not 'when you want it" and therefore I am the one that cops with all the verbal abuse and mental insanity!
what about all the people who lie thru their teeth about neglecting their kids, their elderly,their own chronic illness who think Im stupid, that give me headaches, heartaches, stomach aches??
what about me???
Im meant to swallow all that, in order to 'help'..until what..until im divorced and have a headful of sigas and high blood pressure from stress and my child hates me for not spending enough time with her and my parents miss out on their only grand daughter and my sister dies and im stuck on another island and my own workmates tell me her pupils were fixed and dilated on arrival and they and I can do nothing???
not that that was my jobs fault...but theres still an association...

well thats why...I divorced my job. And I drive past my workplace sometimes and wait to see if i miss it, and I dont.
well, at least not at this moment in time...

so Im spending some me time..and its been good. And im thankful that I live in Samoa and I can take this time out...

my heart

The air
...is so thick at times
I have trouble breathing...
is this what they call
...a panick attack...?
or is it a mental breakdown?
I still can not
make sense
of the fact that you are not here any more
I just cant...
its as if someone just spoke to me
in a foreign languauge
and i dont have the slightest clue
what they are on about
how do you mend something
that scars so deep
it doesnt matter
how many times I have to relive it
remember it
recover from it
It still hits me like a tidal wave
again and again
is this really happening?
rivers of tears ive cried
flow down and turn to dust
dust that is lifted and carried by winds
over the ocean
whats the point
of crying in the wind
if it cant bring you back
which is all I want
I dont want you to be a statistic
I dont want you to be a memory
you are a million zillion times more then that
and yet slowly you are being left behind
we are being torn apart
our last meeting seems so much farther and farther apart
how does one stop time?
to stop this...
I just wish I could go back in time
and stay that extra day i should have with you
and called
or texted
or done something
that could have changed your fate
but I cant...so i sit
here
with my bleeding heart
and wait
for time
to help me
figure out
how one heals...

for you

for years, I went to church,
I weant to sunday school
and was an active member of our youth
I was even an alter girl
I read the bible to our congregation
and attended church retreats
to be taught about faith
and christianity
and why and how the world works
and has worked
in its wonderous and mysterious ways
and I thought, I understand..I do

For years, I went to school
not just an ordinary school
but a medical school
and learnt about the body and the brain
and vessels and pumps
the heart and bones
so that I thought I knew
how the human body works
in all its magnificence and intricacies
and I thought, I understand..I do

But now, that I have lost my sister
...now I know, I do not
understand
Why , I question my faith and christianity
why?
How, I try to work out in my head a solution,
an explanation
and all I see
is nothing
I see my sister, lying there like a broken doll
one minute she worked
the next she was broken
so simple, and yet so intensively hugely complicated...
and nothing in me
could figure how to 'fix'
and so I turned to my faith
as everyone was encouraging us all to do
will he help us?
but that didnt help us either
why...was I being too demanding asking for a miracle
was this a punishment
are we being tested

so do I fail...for feeling like it failed me...
and I just dont see anything making it better
I dont
that I will never see her again,
will never hug and laugh with her again,
never sing dance and hang out again
is just too huge...
and I feel,
...like I am broken...