My Depression

My depression is thick...like skin

like a wet suit it clings

stuck to me,

suffocatingly

tight

my depression

Is soft

and comfortable

it lures me

to lethargy

and apathy

I feel stuck...in a rut..in a spot

I cant get out of.

Like somehow I've been disabled

when I think about things

that get me down

the things that see my eyebrows

furrow and frown

and I let the thoughts creep in

of why life has to dish

me such a crap hand

…

I feel the skin

of my depression

cling

it creeps around

me like a spider

weaving its web

weaving me in

and I cant let go

get out

I want to shout

but have no voice

my depression

is like steel

like the armour of my opponent

when I strike

Im at a loss

because everywhere bings

my lashes are useless

against this armor I feel

I'm stuck

in a rut

that I cant get out of

My depression

is lonely.

Its an abandoned desert

where nobody sees me

quietly smiling

and carrying on with work

when all I really feel

is the cold of steel

and the suffocation of a web

around my neck....and I cant breath...

because of this skin

I'm stuck

in a rut

that I cant get out of.

Look UP - by Gary Turk

I love this Poem.... everyone needs to read this and just LOOK UP

or watch the video here-  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS9Wte1gX9g

Look Up
I have 422 friends yet I am lonely
I speak to all of them everyday yet none of them really know me
The problem I have sits in the space in-between
Looking into their eyes or at a name on a screen
I took a step back and opened my eyes
I looked round and realised
This media we call social is anything but
when we open our computers and it’s our doors we shut
All this technology we have it’s just an illusion
Community, companionship, a sense of inclusion
When you step away from this device of delusion
You awaken to see a world of confusion
A world where we’re slaves to the technology we mastered
Where information gets sold by some rich, greedy bastard
A world of self-interest, self-image, self-promotion
Where we all share our best bits but leave out the emotion
We’re at our most happy with an experience we share
But is it the same if no one is there?
Be there for your friends and they’ll be there too
But no one will be if a group message will do
We edit and exaggerate, crave adulation
We pretend not to notice the social isolation
We put our words into order till our lives are glistening
We don’t even know if anyone is listening
Being alone isn’t the problem let me just emphasise
If you read a book, paint a picture, or do some exercise
You’re being productive and present not reserved and reclused
You’re being awake and attentive and putting your time to good use
So when you’re in public and you start to feel alone
Put your hands behind your head, step away from the phone
You don’t need to stare at your menu or at your contact list
Just talk to one another, learn to co-exist
I can’t stand to hear the silence of a busy commuter train
When no one wants to talk for the fear of looking insane
We’re becoming unsocial, it no longer satisfies
To engage with one another and look into someone’s eyes.
We’re surrounded by children who since they were born
Have watched us living like robots and think it’s the norm
It’s not very likely you’ll make world’s greatest Dad
If you can’t entertain a child without using an iPad
When I was a child I’d never be home
I’d be out with my friends, on our bikes we’d roam
I’d wear holes in my trainers and graze up my knees
Or build our own clubhouse high up in the trees
Now the park is so quiet it gives me a chill
See no children outside and the swings hanging still
There’s no skipping, no hopscotch, no church and no steeple
We’re a generation of idiots, smart phones and dumb people
So look up from your phone, shut down the display
Take in your surroundings, make the most of today
Just one real connection is all it can take
To show you the difference that being there can make
Be there in the moment as she gives you the look
That you remember forever as when love overtook
The time she first held your hand or first kissed your lips
The time you first disagreed but still loved her to bits
The time you don’t have to tell hundreds of what you’ve just done
Because you want to share this moment with just this one.
The time you sell your computer so you can buy a ring
For the girl of your dreams who is now the real thing
The time you want to start a family and the moment when
You first hold your little girl and get to fall in love again
The time she keeps you up at nights and all you want is rest
And the time you wipe away the tears as your baby flees the nest
The time your baby girl returns with a boy for you to hold
And the time he calls you Grandad and makes you feel real old
The time you take in all you’ve made when you’re giving life attention
And how you’re real glad you didn’t waste it by looking down at some invention
The time you hold your wife’s hand, sit down beside her bed.
You tell her that you love her, lay a kiss upon her head.
She then whispers to you quietly as her heart gives a final beat
That she’s lucky she got stopped by that lost boy in the street
But none of these times ever happened. You never had any of this
When you’re too busy looking down, you don’t see the chances you miss
So look up from your phones, shut down those displays
We have a finite existence, a set number of days
Don’t waste your life getting caught in the net
because when the end comes, nothing’s worse than regret
I am guilty too of being part of this machine
this digital world we are heard but not seen
where we type as we talk and read as we chat
where we spend hours together without making eye-contact
So don’t give in to a life where you follow the hype
Give people your love, don’t give them your “like”
Disconnect from the need to be heard and defined
Go out into the world, leave distractions behind
Look up from your phone, shut down the display
Stop watching this video, live life the real way.

I Don't

I don’t want you to pity me

Feel sorry for me

Worry for me

Wander how for me

I am me..here..this is my choice

Like Dr Phil said- you are a result

Of your own choices

Your own voices

Its you  you and you

Whether happy or blue.

Don’t ask me how

Not now

While I wallow in this hell

I can’t answer that

I'm in denial.

One day,

this life we struggle with..

Will blossom

We say

It may.

Or may not.

Hope…

Some days I hope…

That Ill win the lotto

Or get hit by a bus

Either way

 A drastic change

Is sure to follow.

The pain I can swallow…

Or the bliss…

Of standing up and leaving…

If I ever won the lotto.

I’d just need to play first..hmm

One day

Ill look back upon this day

And cast only a distant thought…

To this memory

I keep telling myself

Or one day..

I will be old wrinkled and tired

And full of regret.

Either way

Lets hope one day

Doesn’t arrive here sooner then expected.

Times fly when you’re having fun right?

Well lets hope one day

Is not next Monday.

Give me some time

To figure out

How I get myself out

Of this thing

I don’t even know

What Im in…

Its just here now

And its thick

And murky

And stagnant

And suffocating.

But I’m trying to convince myself

That  its better then

What I think it is.

That I’m wearing

My pessimist glasses

And surely

There are bright lights

At the end of this tunnel

I just need to find my way there…..

Find my way up

My way out

Of this depression

Your birthday:)

On your Birthday

Today you would have turned 29…

A milestone in life, you deserved to reach

You would have laughed about the fact that it was your last year

Of your 20s

You would have celebrated, lived, laughed, loved…on this day

The twinkle in your eye, would have been infectious…

You would have donned a pretty dress,

Some high heeled shoes,

Lipstick to die for and  of course your eyes would have “glowed” as usual!!

 I can not explain  how much we miss you

It hurts to even try ..

We try to keep your spirit alive with all the great memories.

But they are always flooded  by our sadness

Where would you have been by now? The life you did not get to live

Would you have been married? Would you have been working? at home? overseas?

Would you be tramping the world with friends or working at some high powered international post? Like I always though you one day would have….

Would you have been a mother by now…you would have made a great mother.

Mum would have made you cake if you were at home…something rich with buttercream and lots of colour…perhaps you would have gone celebrating with your friends

Or we would have gone out for chinese.

We miss you so much, your Savaii drop ins…never hesitating to mix with the everyday people, the workers  the village….so beautiful and also so humble…

We miss you immensely words can not say

There is not a day that goes by without you on our minds. When we look at each other, ourselves, our memories and pictures.

There is a wall dedicated to you at home. The first thing any visitor sees when entering our house

Is the big purple wall with pictures and flowers and messages for  you…some pink ribbons and glitter

It lights up our lives a little and reminds us how we will never forget you and how lucky we were to love you even if just for a short time

It stuns everyone else and chokes em up a little…its amusing to watch sometimesJ

We hope you are at peace and are watching over us now….

Another birthday where you are never forgotten,

Another birthday for us to miss …

Happy birthday little sister- we love you always xoxo

For my sister

2013 is no here and it has  now been 3 1/2 years since my little sister left us.  Though it has been a while, it is still  a raw pain in our hearts to not have you with us. We notice it even more so when we get together to celebrate our family occassions, Christmas's, birthdays...you were such a quiet helper that we all took for granted. In the background in the back scenes serving, joking, laughing. Everything is so different now without you...I put together this video...so we could celebrate with you still there...celebrate you and our loved ones who have left us as well. There were several tears shed but everyone was thankful to have seen this and many said it was the highlight on the night. You were always the highlights of our nights...we love and miss you heaps and heaps Luana xoxo

Video for our loved one:)

Tears

My eyelids

                Are still swollen from crying

I can still taste the salt on my face

And yet it means nothing to you

                You think tears have no place

In this journey we are taking...

This life we are living

For you its not as complicated

There doesn’t need to be so much emotion

Fulfillment

Joy.

Everything's fine

                In your eyes

You don’t see..

                What the fuss is...

But that's the point.

You don’t see.

One day you will wake up

And I am not there anymore

                And you will wonder why

Even though for years I have been trying to make you see

This ache I feel

I have reached out

                And begged, and cried, and spilt my heart to you

But you don’t see

                What the big deal is

One day you will wake up

And I am not there anymore

By your side

And you will not think it is your fault

You will put it on me,

                I know this now,

Because even with your I love yous

                When I bleed and I ache

                You look at me like I'm being stupid...

                                And its “my problem’’

My overreacting, and emotional stuff and nonsense

And I see, that perhaps you don’t even know it yourself

But you don’t really care anymore.

My tears are wasted,    

              because all they are , 

                        are salt on my face

They mean nothing to you.

My ache is a silent storm..

                     ....that has no friends, no sympathetic shoulder to listen

Just  paternal politically correct condescending slaps in the face from you when I try to open up..

“I get it, I must have been.....” you say,

                                                   so cold, so hoarse...

But with no following sorry or I care or I understand

So my tears are wasted,

                Because to you they mean nothing.

 They are perhaps a tool you think

That I whip out...but they are nothing.

One day you will wake up,

                In your empty bed...and wished you had listened

Really listened. Without distraction, without a phone call or a text message to reply to..

You will realise you never listened...but by then I will not be there...

And my tears, just wont be your problem anymore.

My prayers

I pray that you left us quickly
that you suffered no pain, no shock, no regrets or grief
I pray that you were at ease immediately
and that all you felt was the calm of the peaceful place that awaited you

I can not bear to think otherwise
That you may have, for a split second
suffered , any of these

I try not to think
of the others that may be to blame
what they do, on an everyday basis?
I hope their actions haunt them, and make them sick to their stomach
I fear, that they are just moving on with their lives
like nothing happened
like yesterday, a coconut fell from a tree, and today
they go back to their dayjob

Do they know what it is like to suffer?
On a daily basis?
To wonder, but try not to wonder
to try to find peace, only to find grief .
To try not to look too long at your mother
because she is weathered, and beaten by her sadness
to try not to look at your father
because he is miserably tormented by his loss
to try not to look at your sister or brother
because your minds might wander to the same subject
and you may both end up sitting there, feeling like shit
trying not to cry

to try not to say things like “ that looks nice”
because it would have looked nicer on her
or “ that was so much fun”
because you would have enjoyed it more with her
She who is no longer with us,
and a life that is no longer the same....

I hope you left us instantly
I hope you suffered no pain
I couldnt bear it at all
if it happened any, other,way