my little sister

17 days from today you left us
and for the life of me...I just dont get it
how, why, where, why,...how
of all the useless condolences people have given me
like 'life must go on'
and 'god takes us at our prime'
and crap like that...
which dont console my broken soul at all....
the only thing someone said
that made me feel like they were offering me some form of help
through a shoulder, unfamiliar as it was, to cry on
was "this is just too huge''
because it was
and it is

in this sort of stagnant tar pit of sorrow
ignorance is bliss
if i get distracted, it feels like youre just in nz
just somewhere galavanting on holiday
then it hits me
images of you, on a bed, with a machine breathing for you
and dragons breadth of medical people breathing down my neck that you are gone
like you have to tell ME of all people twice.
i get it, just give us space....which they didnt

I got so angry..at all the unneccessary visitors who never gave two hoots when you were with us
to say hi how you doing
and yet they want to stand around more then 30minutes
and stare...like the circus was in town, in HDU in the hospital
F* off is what i wanted to yell...but i didnt
I didnt mind your friends...because they made your life so wonderful and happy

now...I just dont know..how to move on
how to accept
I feel guilty, like accepting is so final
I can never accept..
I can only nurture my own pain and suffering so that I learn to live with it

at times I feel like I am ok
but all it takes is for someone to mention you
and then it takes all the strength in me to resist breaking down on the floor
and it makes me angry
that people dont recognise this
and try to avoid upsetting me..and us
but they are not mind readers
and people just...
dont know what to say
or do

Im sorry
Im sorry I didnt spend more time with you
and for always taking you for granted
and not telling you enough how much you meant to me
I knew it in my heart
but did I tell you?

I learn new things about you everyday
and it breaks my heart
that i didnt know these things already
what a terrible sister
was I

somedays i sit, and hope
that by some miracle i can feel your spirit
or your presence
please god give us something
you just took her away
and left us with pain
will you give us nothing

i feel better crying
as miserable as it is
at least i feel like im doing something for you
cause what else can i do
at this time
in this state of mind

when i think about your accident
it makes me angry
that we will never know
if someone did this to you
and we know
no one will ever be brought to justice
because we have no faith
in the law enforcers here
so we just leave it
it hurts to much to try

you are gone now
but you will never leave us
you will live on in our hearts and memories
and for that i cry
because its not supposed to be this way
its just not