for you

for years, I went to church,
I weant to sunday school
and was an active member of our youth
I was even an alter girl
I read the bible to our congregation
and attended church retreats
to be taught about faith
and christianity
and why and how the world works
and has worked
in its wonderous and mysterious ways
and I thought, I understand..I do

For years, I went to school
not just an ordinary school
but a medical school
and learnt about the body and the brain
and vessels and pumps
the heart and bones
so that I thought I knew
how the human body works
in all its magnificence and intricacies
and I thought, I understand..I do

But now, that I have lost my sister
...now I know, I do not
understand
Why , I question my faith and christianity
why?
How, I try to work out in my head a solution,
an explanation
and all I see
is nothing
I see my sister, lying there like a broken doll
one minute she worked
the next she was broken
so simple, and yet so intensively hugely complicated...
and nothing in me
could figure how to 'fix'
and so I turned to my faith
as everyone was encouraging us all to do
will he help us?
but that didnt help us either
why...was I being too demanding asking for a miracle
was this a punishment
are we being tested

so do I fail...for feeling like it failed me...
and I just dont see anything making it better
I dont
that I will never see her again,
will never hug and laugh with her again,
never sing dance and hang out again
is just too huge...
and I feel,
...like I am broken...