my heart

The air
...is so thick at times
I have trouble breathing...
is this what they call
...a panick attack...?
or is it a mental breakdown?
I still can not
make sense
of the fact that you are not here any more
I just cant...
its as if someone just spoke to me
in a foreign languauge
and i dont have the slightest clue
what they are on about
how do you mend something
that scars so deep
it doesnt matter
how many times I have to relive it
remember it
recover from it
It still hits me like a tidal wave
again and again
is this really happening?
rivers of tears ive cried
flow down and turn to dust
dust that is lifted and carried by winds
over the ocean
whats the point
of crying in the wind
if it cant bring you back
which is all I want
I dont want you to be a statistic
I dont want you to be a memory
you are a million zillion times more then that
and yet slowly you are being left behind
we are being torn apart
our last meeting seems so much farther and farther apart
how does one stop time?
to stop this...
I just wish I could go back in time
and stay that extra day i should have with you
and called
or texted
or done something
that could have changed your fate
but I cant...so i sit
here
with my bleeding heart
and wait
for time
to help me
figure out
how one heals...

for you

for years, I went to church,
I weant to sunday school
and was an active member of our youth
I was even an alter girl
I read the bible to our congregation
and attended church retreats
to be taught about faith
and christianity
and why and how the world works
and has worked
in its wonderous and mysterious ways
and I thought, I understand..I do

For years, I went to school
not just an ordinary school
but a medical school
and learnt about the body and the brain
and vessels and pumps
the heart and bones
so that I thought I knew
how the human body works
in all its magnificence and intricacies
and I thought, I understand..I do

But now, that I have lost my sister
...now I know, I do not
understand
Why , I question my faith and christianity
why?
How, I try to work out in my head a solution,
an explanation
and all I see
is nothing
I see my sister, lying there like a broken doll
one minute she worked
the next she was broken
so simple, and yet so intensively hugely complicated...
and nothing in me
could figure how to 'fix'
and so I turned to my faith
as everyone was encouraging us all to do
will he help us?
but that didnt help us either
why...was I being too demanding asking for a miracle
was this a punishment
are we being tested

so do I fail...for feeling like it failed me...
and I just dont see anything making it better
I dont
that I will never see her again,
will never hug and laugh with her again,
never sing dance and hang out again
is just too huge...
and I feel,
...like I am broken...