to my sister....

Once again, you are heavy on my mind,
in my heart...
Someone I had not see in a long time ,
asked me about you last night
offered their condolences...
and I was forced once again to fight my overwhelming grief
which has the strength to overcome me like a downpour of thunderous rain...
not that I dont think about you, and suffer on a daily basis
Its just that Ive learnt...to not grieve so óutwardly'if there is such a word...

Its been 10 months since you left...
10 months, yet it still feels like only 10 days since
it all happened
That we gathered at the hospital
that we dug deep to stay strong and put on brave faces
A ceremony to farewell you,
a pretty gown sown
decorations that outdid several a wedding celebration
tributes from so many people
in fashion and in style like you would have wanted

but a party without your cheer was no match for the real thing...
it was our feeble attempt, to give you what was yours...
your big bash

now 10 months on
what can I say
mum has thrown herself into gardening
she tends to weeds around your resting place
on a daily basis like a woman on a mission
she hand picks African snails ruining the purple flowers she planted
so delicately
soaks em all in salt and looks satisfyingly at the melting bucket of little demons
our home has so many pictures, as if we could ever forget your smiling face
for a small moment it makes us feel like you are still here
a big part of the family
locked in time, behind glass and a frame

dad got a tattoo
of course he would do something like that
old man still thinks he is a young bikey:)
its how we all keep you near

adolf at times is a shadow of himself
he mopes around, and you can see his life
is not the enthusiastic life he lived for last year
his sadness makes us all sad
so we try hard to drag him to happiness

I wallow on a thought
the thought of irony
to be given lifesaving skills
and yet the challenge that would mean the most to me
was one I could not help...I could not fix
I could not save...

as for the three of us you left behind
a small part of you
remains in us Im sure
your outgoing-ness in tash
your sensibility in me
your goofiness in Anton..

but we would so much rather have you here
10 months ago you left
one still does not know how to make sense of it
deal with, it accept it
mum will plant flowers for you
we will still hang pictures
and celebrate pink and purple
to keep you alive
and near