How does one grieve?

How does one grieve?

You grieve in the morning, as the suns rays only just pierce the morning clouds
You grieve at night, when all is done and you sit and stare into the darkness and stillness of the night

You grieve when you find yourself alone, in your house, in the car, on the lawn, by the waterfront
You grieve silently in bed, and you try to sob carefully so that the bed does not rock your partner awake

You grieve suddenly, like a skipped heartbeat when you see an animated car crash on TV
When someone mentions a memory or her name

You grieve when you glimpse your loved ones grief…because you know you can not help them
You grieve when its raining, because rain does that, like a cloud over your head

You grieve when its sunny, because the sunshine reminds you so much of those happier days..never to be enjoyed again

You grieve when you think about hospitals, and their sterility and their machinery, and their inability to make miracles happen

You grieve at church, because you know theres a lesson somewhere that’s meant to be learnt but you resist it so much because it hurts

You grieve into the wind, because somehow you feel that wind takes things from you and you think it might take some of your pain

You grieve when your life stops, your chores a done, people are spoken to, things are prepared for the next moment, and suddenly, a gap in your time has left you with nothing to do…but realise that when all else is done, your grief is still there

Still hung heavy in your heartLike a parasite, that you don’t want there but you have learnt to co-exist
You grieve, you grieve, you grieve

I remember

I remember
preaching to others , lifes fragility
bombarding them with instructions,
to do more,to prevent them from illfitting fates
to lookafter their children
to care for their elderly
as if death was something we toy with
and can somehow just manage to avoid
by being a bit more careFUL

and yet
I just cant seem to comprehend
how, death has landed on my doorstep
and robbed me left right and centre
of those close and not so close to me
I have lived 27years, and only had 2 funerals to attend,
both my grandparents
and then suddenly, in one year
as if to remind me
that no one is in total control
it jumped all up in my face
and snatched my happiness
and spat gloom out in place

and it makes me sad
and it makes me miss
those carefee lazy days
when such a sentence never crossed our minds
when all we thought about
where the everyday chores that had to be done
and all we missed
were naps in the afternoon
and not persons
and relationships
not your sister
or your people
or the happiness of your country
how I long and pray for those days
how I hope such times are possible

Now I dont preach anymore
I can not preach what I dont believe
I dont believe anymore that we have any control
so instead, I pray
that I am not destined an illfitted fate
that no one around me
is destined
that either
cause I dont think
my heart
could handle
anymore pounding
I really dont

Im on a Break

And yet I feel like Im having to explain a divorce to people when they ask.
Perhaps that is because that is how I feel about it really, but just dont know it yet. I have divorced my job.Well not my job cause I have many jobs, but my profession.
For now.

And this is why its hard

"because it is a noble job""because it is a gift" "becuase you are doing so much good" "because your people need you" "because there arent enough of you" "because you can help so many" "because who will help them if youre not there?"

The reasons are plentiful arent they...and genuine..and guilt inducing...
already just having to write that makes me feel like my limbs are being pulled apart in all directions..like everyone just wants a piece of me..

but what about me...
what about finding a job that makes me happy??
Am I dreaming maybe??maybe everyone hates their jobs and Im just living in lala land thinking Im the only one stuck with a job that gives me grief...But what about my family, my daughter?my husband? my parents?my siblings?? who i feel all miss out because im too busy too tired to caught up and cranky with my job??
what about all the crap i put up with, with people who dont want to listen to me because-a fofo is smarter-im too young- im a woman, find me a male-
what about everyone who komumums everyday because im not there quick enough for them coz i have a life and work starts at this particular hour everyday and not 'when you want it" and therefore I am the one that cops with all the verbal abuse and mental insanity!
what about all the people who lie thru their teeth about neglecting their kids, their elderly,their own chronic illness who think Im stupid, that give me headaches, heartaches, stomach aches??
what about me???
Im meant to swallow all that, in order to 'help'..until what..until im divorced and have a headful of sigas and high blood pressure from stress and my child hates me for not spending enough time with her and my parents miss out on their only grand daughter and my sister dies and im stuck on another island and my own workmates tell me her pupils were fixed and dilated on arrival and they and I can do nothing???
not that that was my jobs fault...but theres still an association...

well thats why...I divorced my job. And I drive past my workplace sometimes and wait to see if i miss it, and I dont.
well, at least not at this moment in time...

so Im spending some me time..and its been good. And im thankful that I live in Samoa and I can take this time out...

my heart

The air
...is so thick at times
I have trouble breathing...
is this what they call
...a panick attack...?
or is it a mental breakdown?
I still can not
make sense
of the fact that you are not here any more
I just cant...
its as if someone just spoke to me
in a foreign languauge
and i dont have the slightest clue
what they are on about
how do you mend something
that scars so deep
it doesnt matter
how many times I have to relive it
remember it
recover from it
It still hits me like a tidal wave
again and again
is this really happening?
rivers of tears ive cried
flow down and turn to dust
dust that is lifted and carried by winds
over the ocean
whats the point
of crying in the wind
if it cant bring you back
which is all I want
I dont want you to be a statistic
I dont want you to be a memory
you are a million zillion times more then that
and yet slowly you are being left behind
we are being torn apart
our last meeting seems so much farther and farther apart
how does one stop time?
to stop this...
I just wish I could go back in time
and stay that extra day i should have with you
and called
or texted
or done something
that could have changed your fate
but I cant...so i sit
here
with my bleeding heart
and wait
for time
to help me
figure out
how one heals...

for you

for years, I went to church,
I weant to sunday school
and was an active member of our youth
I was even an alter girl
I read the bible to our congregation
and attended church retreats
to be taught about faith
and christianity
and why and how the world works
and has worked
in its wonderous and mysterious ways
and I thought, I understand..I do

For years, I went to school
not just an ordinary school
but a medical school
and learnt about the body and the brain
and vessels and pumps
the heart and bones
so that I thought I knew
how the human body works
in all its magnificence and intricacies
and I thought, I understand..I do

But now, that I have lost my sister
...now I know, I do not
understand
Why , I question my faith and christianity
why?
How, I try to work out in my head a solution,
an explanation
and all I see
is nothing
I see my sister, lying there like a broken doll
one minute she worked
the next she was broken
so simple, and yet so intensively hugely complicated...
and nothing in me
could figure how to 'fix'
and so I turned to my faith
as everyone was encouraging us all to do
will he help us?
but that didnt help us either
why...was I being too demanding asking for a miracle
was this a punishment
are we being tested

so do I fail...for feeling like it failed me...
and I just dont see anything making it better
I dont
that I will never see her again,
will never hug and laugh with her again,
never sing dance and hang out again
is just too huge...
and I feel,
...like I am broken...

my little sister

17 days from today you left us
and for the life of me...I just dont get it
how, why, where, why,...how
of all the useless condolences people have given me
like 'life must go on'
and 'god takes us at our prime'
and crap like that...
which dont console my broken soul at all....
the only thing someone said
that made me feel like they were offering me some form of help
through a shoulder, unfamiliar as it was, to cry on
was "this is just too huge''
because it was
and it is

in this sort of stagnant tar pit of sorrow
ignorance is bliss
if i get distracted, it feels like youre just in nz
just somewhere galavanting on holiday
then it hits me
images of you, on a bed, with a machine breathing for you
and dragons breadth of medical people breathing down my neck that you are gone
like you have to tell ME of all people twice.
i get it, just give us space....which they didnt

I got so angry..at all the unneccessary visitors who never gave two hoots when you were with us
to say hi how you doing
and yet they want to stand around more then 30minutes
and stare...like the circus was in town, in HDU in the hospital
F* off is what i wanted to yell...but i didnt
I didnt mind your friends...because they made your life so wonderful and happy

now...I just dont know..how to move on
how to accept
I feel guilty, like accepting is so final
I can never accept..
I can only nurture my own pain and suffering so that I learn to live with it

at times I feel like I am ok
but all it takes is for someone to mention you
and then it takes all the strength in me to resist breaking down on the floor
and it makes me angry
that people dont recognise this
and try to avoid upsetting me..and us
but they are not mind readers
and people just...
dont know what to say
or do

Im sorry
Im sorry I didnt spend more time with you
and for always taking you for granted
and not telling you enough how much you meant to me
I knew it in my heart
but did I tell you?

I learn new things about you everyday
and it breaks my heart
that i didnt know these things already
what a terrible sister
was I

somedays i sit, and hope
that by some miracle i can feel your spirit
or your presence
please god give us something
you just took her away
and left us with pain
will you give us nothing

i feel better crying
as miserable as it is
at least i feel like im doing something for you
cause what else can i do
at this time
in this state of mind

when i think about your accident
it makes me angry
that we will never know
if someone did this to you
and we know
no one will ever be brought to justice
because we have no faith
in the law enforcers here
so we just leave it
it hurts to much to try

you are gone now
but you will never leave us
you will live on in our hearts and memories
and for that i cry
because its not supposed to be this way
its just not

mum

Mother
Mother
With eyes so warm
Who sweats a beaten body worn
Recharges her life with food and sleep
I wish for you I didn’t weep
Mother
Don’t live too fast
You push and push to last and last
Yet still throw laughter in the air
With smiles and love to spare
Mother
With her scars of life
Battled loss and health and being a wife..
Who never lets us see her frown
And lifted our chins when we were down
Mother
Must hide a store somewhere
With all that strength and all that care
With words so wise in all advice
Surely she shares some of God’s might
Mother,
We treasure you so ,
And with this poem want you to know,
That come riches or loss, dark skies or blue
All I ask of the future is for my kids to have a mum like you!